Ducksy strikes again

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This humorous duck tale was inspired by Piper, our beloved rescue Pekin. We’re currently helping her recover from bumblefoot treatment indoors, so she shares her thoughts and feelings with us, and we with her. Unfortunately for all of us, Piper is too big to wear any of the duck diapers that fit our smaller breeds.

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Ducksy defaced

Piper the Duck was furious. She’d spent the past day fastidiously making the floor in the breakfast room (aka “her canvas”) perfectly disgusting. She’d carefully layered feathers, mashed peas, tomato juice, and poop on every bare spot she could waddle into. 

And while the poop was relatively easy to come by (she is a duck, after all), she was so dedicated to her art that she even decided to molt her nuptial plumage to ensure that every spot had at least a few layers of duck on it. Had she fleshy ears like the humans she’d enslaved, she would have even considered adding a touch of Van Gogh to her project.

Nevertheless, her finished product was nothing short of extraordinary: the smell, the visuals, all of it. “An unmistakable work of genius; my magnum opus,” she told herself. “Move over Banksy, Ducksy is here to make a statement of profundity!”    

And what did the humans do to her fowl Rembrandt? Vacuum, rinse, scrub, put down clean towels. In a single morning, they’d returned her masterpiece to a bare canvas. So thoughtless. So unimaginative. So uncultured.   

“Have they not tetrachromatic vision? Are their large, forward-facing eyes not capable of four-dimensional color vision?“ Piper wondered. 

A realization and a plan

Piper had long-suspected that, like many of their other features, the vision of her humans was inferior to that of feathered beings. The humans’ recent act of debauchery—nay sacrilege—further confirmed her suspicions. 

Suddenly, another realization flapped through her synapses: she had to nap, and fast. The thought immediately made her poop, and her tail wiggled in agitation. Earlier that day, her first nap went so long that she barely woke up in time to take her second nap. Every duck knows that naps, like duck art, are sacred; their schedule and timing sacrosanct.     

She sauntered off towards her favorite napping spot under the orchid tables right next to the cat water fountain she’d claimed as her own. However, now that it was clear the humans could not be trusted, this nap would have to be different. This time, she would not be putting both sides of her brain to sleep.

What if they decided to erase her other works: the red poop-Picasso by the tomato patch? The trampled, defoliated kale plants that were now struggling for life beneath the new mud-Monet she’d carefully crafted with her flippers during a recent visit to the garden? 

Piper squatted into nap position, carefully positioning her bill under her wing. In an instant, she closed her left eye and felt the right side of her brain slide into a deep slumber. But her right eye—the eye of justice and vengeance—remained open. Her left brain would remain vigilant in case the marauders returned. Her work was too important to leave unguarded.

And with that thought complete, she pooped, allowing space for new artistic ideas to flutter into her left brain. Inspiration. “Ducksy will return,” she affirmed to herself, as elegant fractals composed of feathers, poop, and mud began dancing into her mind.

Then she heard the squeak of the kitchen door opening as the foul smell of humans wafted into her nares…   

Serious but related duck articles you might enjoy:

• Duck molting: what, when, and why it happens
• How do ducks see the world? 9 amazing duck eyesight facts
• 9 amazing duck facts that will blow your human mind